Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein’s
Counseling Update
ADHD In Middle School Years (Socially, Can Be One Big Ouch!)
ADHD kids in middle school are often labeled as "annoying, dumb, pathetic, obnoxious, or weird." This can really damage a child's self-concept.
ADHD children and teens face significant challenges because of their tendency to have difficulties reading and responding to social cues.
For children facing such social challenges, it is helpful to emphasize that social problems just like being short for their age, are not necessarily their fault. And, unlike height, the good news is that they can work on learning how to catch up.
Coaching kids on social judgment can help. Try not to sound critical. Review their encounters with peers and offer them ways to feel a greater sense of belonging. Stress the value of "less is more", i.e., that excessive talking and interrupting can make peers run for the hills. Point out the advantages of being a good listener and the importance of not abruptly changing subjects. Stress how compliments, following up on details they have been told before, and thinking about what they should say before they say it are good rules of thumb. Emphasize how goofy clowning often backfires. This is also a good time to speak to them about "attention-seeking missions", the "never feeling satisfied syndrome," or some similar behavior theme that often pops out and makes peers shake their heads with disdain. Delineate the subtle and not-so-subtle ways these themes emerge, and challenge their view that peers don't notice these behaviors. Explain that kids their age not only notice them, they label them, and spread news about such behaviors far and wide! Point out that the more these behaviors come out at home the more they are likely to at school or other times when peers are around.
Can you remember how awkward these years were for you? Changing bodies, raging hormones, hidden fears, school and social pressures…you get the picture. Despite the confusion, frustration, and angst in the kids we are involved with, remember that what they want most is you to understand and accept them.
To contact Dr. Bernstein for counseling, speaking engagements, or to be added to his mailing list:
JEFFREY BERNSTEIN, PH.D.
LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST
430 Exton Commons
Exton , PA 19341
(610) 280 - 7282
www.DrJeffonline.com
Email: Drjeff4help@aol.com
1) They have come to associate rituals with relief and safety. This is a learned association that gets reinforced every time they ritualize.
2) Their brain may say, "Okay, so this may be dumb, but since you don't know for sure that its unnecessary, don't take a chance," then they'd rather be safe than sorry. But that's no way to live.
From: Freeing Your Child with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
By Tamar E. Chansky, Ph.D. (2000)
Thinking Your Way Back To Love
I have seen too many children and teens with emotional problems resulting from their parents' marital conflicts. This connection, along with my direct experience working with distressed couples, moved me to write my new book, Thinking Your Way Back To Love (Avalon Books, available Fall 2003). My coauthor, Susan Magee, and I are both very excited about this opportunity. The premise of our book is that if couples can think their way out of love, then, with work and commitment, they can think their way back into love.
The book shows how our toxic thoughts about our partners can do more damage to our relationships than our partners themselves. A few examples of such toxic thoughts include:
"All she cares about is herself."
"He is self-centered just like his father."
"I can never count on him to follow through on anything."
"She is lazy."
"He only sees me as an object to fill his needs."
We explain in the book how intimate relationships provide a hotbed for toxic thoughts due to the inevitable misunderstandings, misinterpretations, misconceptions, and all the other MISSES that couples face.
Thinking Your Way Back To Love is a unique approach in that it is not just looking at how to communicate, but it illuminates the underlying toxic thoughts that derail communication to begin with. The book will be available in fall of 2003.
Emotional Self-Control
For children, ages 7 to 12, these are helpful goals in helping them control their emotions:
- The child can name 3 to 7 emotions and describe times when he has had them.
- The child can recognize that different emotions are appropriate in different situations.
- The child can name two to three people to talk about his/her feelings.
- The child can name three strategies to calm down when he or she is angry.
- The child sees how his/her emotions impact on others.
- The child can name three things that might happen if he loses his temper.
Based on: Forms for Helping The ADHD child. by Lawrence Shapiro
Anger Management: Teach It by Modeling
So often I see a parent or a couple who poorly manages their anger. Consequently, so often the children and teens in the family end up learning ineffective ways to manage their anger as well.
My point is simply this: Example is not only the best way to teach anger management to our children, it is the ONLY way to teach it! We, as parents, teachers, counselors or education professionals must model appropriate behavior to our students/children. It is the way you, as a parent or teacher, are managing your angerproblems and frustration that provide children with the best means of handling their own anger and frustration. Therefore, we learn how to effectively and appropriately manage our own anger and then, model these skills for our students/children. Example is always the best teacher .
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Two Things That Get in the Way
Children and young teens with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder may know that what they are thinking or doing makes no sense, but two factors get in the way of their stopping: