Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein’s Counseling Update
To help prevent future panic, have your child ask himself "What is the worst that can happen?” This may help calm him and see that panic is not warranted.
ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression Can Lead Parents To Toxic Thoughts
Toxic thoughts are more extreme versions of negative thoughts. Unlike a negative thought like, “I don’t like my child's behavior right now,” toxic thoughts are twisted, distorted, highly negative perceptions that are simply not based in reality, like “My child's behavior makes him a lost cause. I have found that parents of challenging children are particularly vulnerable to becoming ensnared in toxic thoughts about their child.
Examples of such thoughts are:
“He is going to ruin this family”
“All he does is suck me dry.”
“Nothing is ever good enough for this kid.”
These types of toxic thoughts can also sabotage your ability to see the virtues of your child. It’s important for you to counter these highly negative thoughts by thinking of positive exceptions and building on them. Examples of positive counters to toxic thoughts are:
“He actually can be very protective of his brother when other kids picked on him.”
“She showed consideration for everyone in the family last week by agreeing to turn down the volume of the television.”
“He did come home last week ahead of his curfew time.”
The more you recognize the positive and appropriate behaviors of your child, the more you can use these as leverage to change your thinking to a more positive mindset. Your positive mindset will keep your child feel more positive about herself.
The Value of Understanding
Most parents are well meaning, sincere, and full of love for their children. Yet I have seen the look of shock on some parents’ faces when their children reveal the extent of their hurts, sadness, anger, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy. Remember the power of understanding for your child.
To contact Dr. Bernstein for counseling, speaking engagements, or to be added to his mailing list:
JEFFREY BERNSTEIN, PH.D.
LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST
430 Exton Commons
Exton , PA 19341
(610) 280 - 7282
www.DrJeffonline.com
Email: Drjeff4help@aol.com
Many depressed children and teens I have worked with had shared that they felt chronically sad and discouraged. Depression sucks a child’s self-esteem dry—a critical reason why it is so crucial to address.
What You Can Do If Your Child Has a Panic Attack
Panic attacks include shortness of breath, heart palpitations, dizziness, dry mouth, nausea, or diarrhea, high levels of muscle tension, and possibly an irrational fear of death. If your child has a panic attack, the following may be helpful:
Be sure to speak in a supportive, soothing, and accepting manner. The calmer you remain, the greater the likelihood your child will calm down as well.
Maintain eye contact, listen, and reassure your child that she will be fine.
Gently encourage slow deep breaths, while being reassuring and nonjudgmental. Sit with your child. Seek medical attention if the situation worsens).
Listen for irrational thoughts (e.g., “I have no future”, “No one will ever like me”, "No one ever takes me seriously", "I suck in everything I do", "Everyone in the school is going to say bad things about me for the next ten years.”). For young children, puppets and drawings may help in uncovering anxiety-related thoughts.
Once your child starts to calm down, help her see that irrational self-talk can provoke anxiety.
Work to show the lack of evidence for irrational (unhelpful) thoughts and help your child find evidence for more rational (helpful) thoughts. So, for example, give fact-based reasons why your child is not a total failure or total loser or totally unpopular. For younger children age four to six, you can use puppets, drawings, and even a half empty/half full glass so they can see how their perception affects reality. Go back in time and point out situations when the problem did not exist and when the current problem does not exist. Finding such exceptions to the rule is very helpful.
What Lurks Below Defiance in Children and Teens?
Defiant behavior in children and teens is a big time problem. As crazy as this may sound, defiant children and teens actually believe that are equal to adults in authority. The following may drive a child or teen’s oppositional behavior:
- Rejection by peers
- Learning problems
- Anxiety/depression
- Problems relating to parent(s)
- Traumas such as sexual abuse
- Body image concerns
- Sibling conflicts
- Substance abuse
- The perception that defiance is “cool.”
Source: 10 Days To A Less Defiant Child by Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. Avalon Publishing. Available in bookstores July 2006.
How Depression Can Be Different in Children & Teens
The origin of depression in children and teens can be genetic and physiological. Two percent of preteen school-age children and 3 to 5 percent of teenagers have clinical depression. Next to anxiety disorders, it’s the most common diagnosis of children who have mental health problems.
Depression can also occur in response to events such as divorce, relocation, social problems, death of a loved one or breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. While depression can be similar between adults and children, there are a few differences. Adults more often experience an enduring sense of sadness while some children and adolescents can display a more irritable than depressed mood. Adults may tend to lose weight, while children may not gain the expected amount of weight for their age.